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The Reality behind Healing...

Updated: May 23, 2023

I'll be the first to admit, I 100% DID NOT start my healing journey until recently. And for that, I look back at all that all the times I tried avoiding the reality behind how much I needed to heal. I'm not putting sole blame on my most recent life event for what I'm healing from. It's a huge combination of so many different things ever since I was 12 years old. Healing looks different for everyone and I'll be the first to admit I have experienced all the emotions during the journey and still do (sometimes all within 24 hours). The reality is: healing is not linear. I have never been on a more fucked up journey. One day I’m self-destructing, while the next day I’m nothing but positive affirmations, self-love, and self-forgiving, and even another day is self-medicating filled with self-doubt and hatred. 

Healing for me has looked like completely overwhelming myself with things, because I feel like If I don't I'm a failure. It has been fully degrading men and yelling at them if they tried talking to me, because I get in moods where I blame all men. If you are new here, I am completely transparent and would never pretend like I am healed. I'm healing, but nowhere near being healed. One day it's Bad bitch, “fuck those that hurt me”, independent woman vibes. On other days, it's questioning if I was the crazy one, craving toxicity and taking the blame for being a human punching bag. It's wanting to be surrounded by positivity and craving toxicity at the same time. It's feeling invincible and free to being sick to your stomach because something is telling you they are near. One day I think I beat my suicidal tendencies... other days I purposely don't carry my gun on me, because I don't feel like I have the strength. Which has fully turned into times of telling my mom to take it, because I'm scared of the thoughts going through my head again. I go from not drinking at all one day, to having to black out just to get through the day. 

In the past, I 100% used to self-medicate with anything I could get my hands on. Which was often looked at as "reckless" behavior, but let's be honest... For the majority of us who partake in "reckless" behavior, we are fully self-medicating and trying to escape reality. We may not know exactly what it is, and those around us may not see the underlying issue either, which just beating that makes it so much more difficult. We all do something to escape the reality of life and past traumas. I honestly don't give a fuck if it's drugs, alcohol, sex, or video games... Some coping mechanisms are healthier than others, but we all have something because being alone with our thoughts and becoming very self-aware is one of the hardest challenges anyone could do. 

Getting really raw with yourself is scary. What if you don't like who you were? Well here's the thing, growth only starts the minute you acknowledge everything. I can promise I look back at some of the things I've done, and I could hate myself for it. I think about where I was at that time in my life, how I felt, and outside factors… and you gotta forgive yourself. Doesn't define you one bit. What it does do, is: shows you how far you have come. Most importantly, remember there's no looking back. You don't live in the past anymore. The one thing I have recently come to terms with, is how important it is to forgive yourself for those not-so-ideal days of healing. It doesn't necessarily mean you aren't still on the uphill path, it's just a slight bump in the healing journey. The only thing that matters is the comeback. 

I have fully reached out to the toxic people from my past during my healing journey... Now why would I do that? Truth is, I miss it. Sometimes I question my self-worth or maybe I wanna give that person the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is capable of change? ABSOLUTELY.... as long as they truly see something wrong with previous behaviors. Healing is working through what others may have caused, or life lessons that we learned the hard way, and it is taking accountability for those times we weren't our best version of ourselves. However, there is one thing to look at when getting real with ourselves... in that moment that was the best version of ourselves. It's not the best version of ourselves anymore, because we can look back and wish we did differently. At that moment, it was though. 

I often question why I didn't take the time to heal before. Truth is... I didn't think I had to. I thought I just had to find other things in life that would "fix me". WHAT THE BIGGEST JOKE THAT WAS!!! The only thing that can "fix" you, is you. Ain't no relationship, job, or some sort of materialistic thing will ever "fix" things. The other important lesson I recently learned is: just because you are in your healing stage, doesn't mean others have or are. What hurts the most is watching those that caused you so much damage go on and not see anything wrong with what they did. Not everyone heals though, not everyone works on themselves, and there are a hell of a lot of people who see nothing wrong with their toxic traits. Makes you angry for sure. From my personal experience, I know I'm angry with myself. The criminal justice system failed the victims before me, failed me and I failed at saving the future ones. I used to think to myself, “if I would just let him kill me, I know there would be no future victims,” and that was the only thing that mattered to me. Because it would stop at me. 

I used to take on so much guilt, and I still do at times. It's the constant heart-in gut feeling, thinking of everything you went through and how you fear it happening to someone else because you couldn't save them. A part of healing is accepting I did everything I possibly could, and try not to take full responsibility, yet hoping that person doesn't continue on the same path. This has just been the past year of the healing journey. I opened up about my challenges during and after my pregnancy... I never healed from that. That was nothing but self-destructing and pretending like everything was perfect, which led me into learning a bigger lesson in a much harder way. I could be mad at myself. I also know I wouldn't be where I'm at if it wasn't for that bigger lesson. I thought I hit “below rock bottom” during that time, but the truth was I still had further down to go before being able to grow. I preach so much about taking the time to truly work on yourself. Healing isn't easy by any means, but nothing worth it comes easy. Being able to be happy with yourself, love yourself, and be free is the best thing anyone can ever do. Everything changes for you, the universe all of a sudden isn't out to get you. It becomes life lessons that have built you up. It all of a sudden becomes the ability to be there for others and help them through life lessons. 

The irony of these blogs is that you never know what will occur in the midst of editing. I took my healing journey a step further and sat down and talked to the "mistress" of my most recent marriage. I personally hate calling her the "mistress," because she was drastically lied to and manipulated, just like I was. She was fed that we were going through a divorce, when in reality we were "happily married". He informed her I knew and didn't care, that I was seeing someone else, and that I was just "so broke" I had to live with him. When she had the feeling something was off with him and I he made up a lie about how I "got drunk and took advantage of him". This is the man that constantly reminded me he was doing a favor for me by being with me because no one would want someone who's only good for being used and abused. This girl was brainwashed to think I was so violent, I was just going to hurt her if she tried reaching out to me, which is the furthest from the truth and if you know me personally you know I'm for the girls and women empowerment. They got to spend Holidays and Birthdays together as I was clueless. Well.. more trying to pretend it wasn't happening. It was him living his best life with someone else as he would come home and if I slightly made him angry he resorted to getting physical so I would listen, I was so brainwashed at this point that I swore it was love.

So do I blame her? Initially, I did. Because I didn't know the full story, but I reached out and apologized for calling her a homewrecker or the other choice words I called her before, and actually thanked her. Because if it wasn't for the affair, I would still be being used as a human punching bag, if not dead by now. The thing that broke me worse was learning about how he mentally abused her as well with the same control techniques he used on me, and so many before. It creates a new inner battle not being able to save future ones, but I pray nothing more than they can find the strength for themselves. This was a spur-of-the-moment decision that came to me that I should see if she had a minute to talk. That spur-of-the-moment decision has me feeling like a whole new person, and I'm forever grateful I listened to my gut during this healing journey. The most important thing I can say during your healing journey is to listen to your gut. You might not wanna know all the truth behind it, but it will create so much closure and you deserve that!

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