The Reality Behind My Pregnancy

Depression. Alcohol. Sex. Drugs. Adoption. Abortion. Men. Children. Suicidal Thoughts.

It's all in here, and I ask that you read to the end. My story is important and valid.

Not everyone is excited when they find out they are expecting. The rollercoaster of emotions is natural. Except mine wasn't a rollercoaster, I was only drowning and couldn't seem to find any happiness in the situation. I was leaving an abusive marriage at the age of 20. I was self-medicating with alcohol and painkillers. I was struggling to find myself and deal with the situations that were spiraling. Life didn't matter because I was so empty, weak, and vulnerable. In the story of my life, the events you read about occurred in roughly one year... Read carefully.

I wasn't sure what I was doing or where I was going...I guess it starts here.

Like many people in my generation, I decided to get Tinder. I remember it was a joke, and my bio said "just here for the cheesy pickup lines". It was fun and games until I came across the man who I previously had charges against because I was 15 being used by a man in his 20s, and he was engaged. The whole thing involved law enforcement, the Military, a small-town girl, and a whole lot of manipulation.

Back to Tinder, we matched... I was hoping more than anything to hear how his life went to hell. Not quite. He manipulated me into feeling so bad for him financially and emotionally. I was already in a vulnerable state. I needed more time to build myself back up. The manipulation was so intense I felt like an object for sex and money... One thing led to another. I was now pregnant.

I originally had all intentions of hiding it from him, but now a new man was in the picture who thought it was best to keep everyone in the loop. Let's call this new ”man” Mr. Almost because he almost completely made me lose my inner strength. The Tinder Guy found out about Mr. Almost which lead to a series of social media attacks trashing me and shouting that he wasn't the father. He took it upon himself to announce my pregnancy before I even told a single person when I was only 6 weeks pregnant. It was fine. I could handle it. I knew the truth. After a week of negativity, texts were exchanged making sure I knew how he felt, and it was agreed that we should go our separate ways. I knew I made the right decision when I found out multiple other women were now pregnant from this Tinder Guy. I knew it would be better if I looked like the bad guy instead of dealing with him.

Now what?... I never wanted kids. I was drunk when I took the pregnancy test. I got 1 positive and 2 false tests, so I wasn't really sure I was pregnant. The test at the hospital said 'positive'. Not wanting kids turned into 'having kids now' faster than I was ready for. I chose my coping mechanism... Smoking weed made it feel a little less horrible if I am being honest. I thought my life was over. I couldn't drink anymore, and I would be stuck at a dead-end job as a college dropout. I was far from right.

Mental Illness and Pregnancy Complications

I struggled my whole life with depression so I knew it wasn't going to be pretty for the next 9 months. I kept having this feeling that I was going to lose the baby. I was bleeding constantly and in so much pain I would drop to my knees from the cramps. Medically, everything was coming up clean and the baby was healthy. This was around the time the Tinder Guy took it upon himself to make jokes about how he wasn't the father. As previously mentioned I knew I would rather be viewed as something I wasn't, rather than dealing with him for the rest of my life while trying to raise a child. Deep down I still didn't want to be a mother and was hoping I'd miscarry.

The Tinder Guy was out of the picture which left me to decision making alone. I looked into an abortion and adoption, but neither seemed logical for me personally. If I'm being honest, I knew I could take care of a baby... I just didn't want to. Depression got worse. I cried every day, hid the pregnancy for 6 months, and spent very little time feeling the 'glow' everyone talked about. It got to the point where I had extremely vivid dreams about killing myself every time I closed my eyes. The only way I coped with the pregnancy was by smoking weed. It was complicated. Not everyone knew about the baby, and how was I supposed to make those who did understand the level of manipulation I was experiencing. I couldn't tell anyone what was swirling around my head. I tried to hide the pain by working three jobs, continuing in college full time, and pretending like everything was peaches and cream.

Nine Months of Pure Stress

As the pregnancy progressed, things in the relationship department got frustratingly sad. Mr. Almost had my mind so twisted because he kept saying "that's my son" pretending like he was actually going to take the role which I never asked him to do, so I thought it was great. His selling point? "We all will have the same last name someday anyway. He can have mine now?" Truthfully, the only reason I thought it was great was so that when I ended my life, my son would have someone to take care of him. I thought he would be a good father, but let's just say he knew how to put on a good show.

Bad news only followed after that realization. Mr. Almost at the time would constantly make remarks about how I looked, the way I acted, what I ate, and the weight I gained. It caused an internal struggle. I felt like I couldn't afford to have a child, so I picked up 3 jobs. On top of that, I stressed about how I would find a job in my field after college with a child, if Tinder guy was going to push to be in the picture, or if I actually would be a terrible mom. Everyone else's feelings were influencing mine, and it was becoming unbearable. I felt worthless and part of me thought maybe everything was my fault. I thought I could push through, paste on a smile, and all would work out. I guess I figured that was my only option because I knew I wasn't easy to love and deal with. It was always something: mental illness, my past, the abuse, and guilt. In the heat of all of it, I had to stick it out - women are just supposed to be happy there is a man to 'provide,' right?

Around 35 weeks, I knew something was wrong because I blew up like a balloon overnight. The stages of Hellp Syndrome started to develop. I was informed I was going to be induced the following week. It was that or see how much longer my body could handle it. The induction started on my 21st birthday. Not exactly how I previously planned to spend my 21st Birthday. Being induced and going into labor was the loneliest experience for me. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment was actually me being told how unbearable I was to deal with and left because I was "impossible to deal with". I even remember the one nurse put in my IV in the most uncomfortable spot on the side of my wrist. I begged for days for someone to move it and was met with "You are fine. It is in the right spot. Don't worry about it." On top of that, I was in so much pain but not contractions: it was my kidneys. You would think the medical staff would help? No. Now I was 'unbearable to deal with' during their scheduled shift. All I could do was cry. Brushing my teeth, using the bathroom, and trying to clean myself up was an immense chore that I needed help with. There were too many wires and machines due to the complications that only a nurse knew how to move around... again I was met with disgruntled medical staff making my lonely experience all the harder.

Labor, Depression, and Relationship Struggles

On Friday, July 12th, 2019 I had my son. Skin to skin was the natural method for bonding- I felt nothing. I was the broken one though. I was heartless. I was constantly reminded of the terrible mom I was for not experiencing the moment in a positive way. I remember the night I brought him home, he started crying and I had no idea what to do, so I called my mom crying. It turned out I just needed to feed him. I was completely clueless, which is comical now because we made it.

To make things bleaker, the depression worsened. I was a single mom, trying to finish college, and being torn apart mentally. So, I got a job in corrections two weeks after I had my son. I didn't want to be home. I knew being home with him would eat me alive, and I needed out of the house to try to get my mind together. Alcohol was calling my name only a week after labor, and I answered the phone. If I wasn't at the bar, I was drinking at home and crying for hours on end looking at myself in the mirror reminding myself of how terrible of a person I am. Things were getting darker by the day. I wasn't working a "normal shift." I would go in whenever I got called which worked out to 40 hours in a 72 hours period some weeks. Don't get me wrong, I was proud of myself for finding a job after college even with a child, but somehow that wasn't enough. I continued to spiral.

Let's not forget, Mr. Almost signed the paperwork giving my son his last name. Plot twist- he wanted nothing to do with my son or me. I should have seen it coming. It felt like it was my fault. He wanted all or nothing for custody. It wasn't because he loved my son. He just wanted to push his "bad mom" agenda. Between Mr. Almost and the complications with my kidneys, this motherhood thing felt impossible. I had to spend some time in the hospital, so he stepped up to watch my son. Again, it seemed great. In reality, he blocked me and was refusing to give my son back. I let myself believe this was fair- I was a bad mom and deserved this.

Heavy drinking, emotional abuse, motherhood, and mental illness don't make a good cocktail, but I was still sipping on it. I'll be the first to admit that I was not okay. I didn't care what happened to me which led me to a very vulnerable spot. So many took advantage of me while I was at my weakest, and I am still analyzing all the interactions I had. I lost all respect for myself. My life was completely pointless. It was years and years of built-up trauma that was coming to the surface, and I had no idea how to start healing.

Continued Stress, Unnecessary Circumstances, Painful Decisions

As time went on I opened up to the doctors about how much I was struggling, one gave me the medicine which did nothing because I have been on medicine my whole life. I knew something low dose wouldn't help me. The other doctor suggested I look into adoption because you could tell in my eyes how unhappy I was about the situation. I would be lying if I said I didn't look into it after my son was born... I did everything to try to make Mr. Almost want to be involved in my son's life because at the time I thought that's what was best for him and didn't want him to struggle as I did without a father figure. I was willing to give him whatever days and times he wanted and no financial responsibility.

Shortly after giving birth to my son, I was blindsided by another pregnancy. With all the cards I had in play at that moment, the decision was made to medically end the pregnancy. I drove 4+ hours out of state... To this day, I cannot come to terms with what I did. I was given some peace of mind at my appointment where I was informed that nothing appeared to be forming, but was still testing positive.

This incident made it even more difficult to feel any sort of happiness. I continued to self-medicate but hide everything as best as possible. I had so much self-hate built up. I don't know what I was looking for, but I needed something. I turned to sex work. I've always felt like a man's object and tended to be treated as such. I guess to gain some control over that I wanted to make money off of it. My son was 3 months old when I decided to dance on the weekends while still working in corrections. (Disclaimer I don't view anything wrong with safe sex work). Mr.Almost, who signed on for my son, found out about my new hobby causing him to threaten full custody. Looking back, I am confused by his motive. He didn't want time with his son... He wanted to push my buttons.

The End of Mr.Almost and Maybe Me...

I tried doing everything to make him happy in fear he would take my son from me. He knew I never wanted to be a mom and knew how unhappy I was being one. He had his opinions of me, which could I really argue with him looking at my track record the past year. As time passed, I found out about the 20+ women he cheated on me with. Crazy how his track record wasn't public so he had a fighting chance in court. I'm not proud of what happened next, but he pushed all the right buttons and the universe whipped up the perfect cocktail of experiences.

I chose violence. He needed to know how I felt and I didn't care what he thought afterward. Prison was a welcomed end result as long as I got my point across. I never wanted to be a mom, but at that moment I was Mama Bear, and I'd have done anything to protect my son. It was that day that I lost my mind... I didn't recognize myself after all those months. I finally broke. I begged my mom to let me end my life. I knew it was a matter of time before I attempted, and I made sure to have enough money in savings that my son would be set for quite some time. Struggles continue, but we are capable of handling them in a healthy way now.

Happily Ever... No... I Am Still Working At It!

Everything happens for a reason though, right? My husband came into my life. I know if he didn't show up when he did I wouldn't have made it to see the new year. It was everything they talk about when you are a little girl. It was what I wanted, but never knew I could have. He showed me I was worthy of the title 'good mom' even if I'd never felt like one before. More importantly, he shows my son a love he has never known. I watched two strangers become 'father' and 'son' the best they knew how. My hope is that they always have the bond that came so naturally.

My husband didn't heal my wounds, but he is teaching me to understand them. I will admit I still have struggles, negative thoughts about my ability to be a mom, and confused stress. But now... those little anxieties are followed with memories of laughter and growth. I have more moments where I look at my son and couldn't imagine my life without him. It wasn't easy and was filled with many tears and days of destroying myself to fully find that happiness I've been missing for so long.

(photo cred) insta @puresport

Looking Forward... Because I Deserve It!

I'm trying to understand what happened and move past it. I owe my family that in the end. I hope someday when I tell my son the story he is understanding. Overall, I hope my opening up can help someone else. I know I felt so alone and worthless. I would never want anyone to experience such a thing during what is supposed to be a beautiful time.

It was a long and difficult road to where we are now. I intend to tell more of the story when I have the words. If you take anything away from my story, please know that my son is loved and has a mother who would move mountains to see him happy. Depression is real. Sometimes the only positive thing about pregnancy is the test. Children are a commitment and require so much love. Life is full of hard choices, experiences, and decisions - be confident each day in who you are and where you have come from... You are here on purpose for a purpose - keep looking for yours... I am :)