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Toxicity with a Side of Toxic

This blog is speaking on behalf of the toxicity we BOTH created during my marriage

I know some people may just be reading the blog because they are waiting for me to open up about my marriage... 24 going on my second divorce? Lol, I guess everyone has a hobby! Let me preface this blog by saying: I am in no way bashing anyone, I am only recognizing where we were both toxic to each other which made for a VERY toxic situation. Our toxicity came out in different ways. It doesn't justify either one of us acting the way we did. It was our little joke: one brings the fire and the other adds the gas. Although, I don't think our therapist found that very funny. I could blame it on our zodiac signs; I'm a Cancer and he’s a Libra lol. In all reality, we were very similar which made the good moments great, but the bad moments were so toxic.

We were very aware of how to hurt each other, and we both were skilled at mentally messing with each other and saying anything just to destroy the other person. Bottom line we were well aware of how toxic we were individually and didn't take the time to work through our own shit. Instead, we thought it would be a genius idea to laugh about how toxic we were and get married.

I met him when he was freshly out of jail, and while I was in a very vulnerable part of my life severely struggling with postpartum depression. I met him 3 months after I had my son (shameless plug to check out my pregnancy blog here). We quickly became dependent on each other to the point we 100% became each other's world. We thought we were what we needed to complete ourselves. Honestly, I would never argue that we didn't complete each other. We absolutely did... sometimes. Other times we destroyed each other so badly, I'm sure there were times we didn't even recognize who we were. There is a fine line between love and hate, and honestly, I can say at times there is no way it was coming from love. It was coming from brokenness, years of never individually working on ourselves, and a whole lot of mental illness under one roof. But did we understand each other better than anyone has ever understood us? Yes absolutely, we knew each other way too well because we were SO SIMILAR.

I'm not going to disclose everything that happened in my marriage, because it's a situation where I hope we both learned from each other and can grow within ourselves from all of this. Things weren't just mentally toxic, they turned physical. Maybe one day I can feel comfortable talking about it, but it is all public knowledge. What isn't public is that we turned into each other's abusers. I know in the beginning, the hurt that was caused by being reminded I was only good for being used and abused created so much hate in me, and I wanted mentally to hurt him back. The way I dressed when we met was a problem. The friends I had, I had to cut off. Pictures I had of friends that passed away were deleted right in front of me while I’m begging him not to just because they were guys. Constant reminders of how he was going to tell my son that I didn't want him. I wanted to destroy him like he did me when I was in the most vulnerable part of my life. That's not how that worked though. That's never how it works.

We made the toxic a million times worse. It was to the point that it was drilled into my head that I would only listen to him when he put his hands on me. Which may be true in some of the situations, because I felt as if I wasn't being heard. I felt the only way to get him to feel how I was feeling, was by mentally fucking with him back. I tried to become just as skilled at his act. We played each other's games far too well. We both wanted power so badly, that we were willing to completely destroy each other to gain that control over one another. All I'll say is: we fed off of each other, and both knew we were willing to use past traumas against each other. I'll admit, I was a monster at times, but I'll also say until this point I’ve never seen myself acting in such a manner, that when I look back I don't recognize the person I was. Because I was 100% a shit person towards an individual I loved at times. Since we were so toxic together, we both knew damn well how to put on a good show. We were masters at manipulating each other, so it was easy to fool the rest of the world into thinking we were perfect and living the dream life. Ironically, a Facebook memory just showed up, and I was looking back through old pictures and seeing the Facebook comments about how we were "goals". But no one knew about the giant bruise I had on my thigh and how I was crying to him about it because I couldn't wear shorts during the summer.. because I didn't want anyone to know the reality behind the marriage.

It was all a game though. Once I became numb to the emotional games, I gained power. At that point, I was giving it right back and I will absolutely admit to giving it back to him. I didn't know healthy relationships and honestly figured that's just how we were. I remember saying the most terrible things to each other, and we all say things we don't mean. However, this was every day... going to the most extreme arguments with each other and that, as I said earlier, it wasn't coming from love. It was full of intentions of breaking each other. As I said, this started pretty early in our relationship... before we got married, to be honest. We sure thought getting married was a great idea, and I remember joking around and being like, “well nothing is actually holding us together so why not get married?” We knew it was toxic though, and we weren’t good for each other. However, I was very submissive up until a month before we got married. I struggled so badly with postpartum that anything he said I BELIEVED!! But someone can only bottle that up for so long until they turn into someone they aren't... And that's exactly what happened.

We got married in Vegas... I had my dream ring that I went out and customized myself. It was exactly what I wanted... how couldn't it have been meant to be... right? We met each other at the worst moments of our lives, and we’re meant to build each other up. That's the way we viewed it. What was in store for us was so much different than what we thought. We surely ended up tearing each other apart and teaching each other so many lessons we weren't expecting from each other. The best way I can describe our relationship was: breaking glass and trying to repair it with band-aids... It's together... But the damage was already done to the point that it just kept falling apart over any slight bump. To the point the pieces were so broken, we kept pushing each other until they were shattered. We broke our structure to the point I swear I didn't recognize him when I looked into his eyes, as I'm sure he felt that way about me. A few hours after we got married, I was screamed at on the strip of Vegas because I couldn't move past the things he did to me in the beginning. I didn't understand why I couldn't move past it... in my mind, he changed, and that's just normal bumps in a relationship so I should just get over it. He never changed, I felt weaker and started turning into him. During this time period, there were slight instances of things getting physical, but he loved my son and was the only person who I thought would want me. It was easy to look past in the beginning because I kept justifying that it was my fault and he would never truly hurt me.

I was wrong... so so wrong. And if you are reading this and are currently trying to justify any of these actions... THERE IS NO Justification. And this is coming from someone willing to admit she became toxic and tried playing his games. I tried justifying it because I was able to fight him off... when I say we went rounds... We went rounds with each other until it went way further than I could have ever imagined. That's all a story for another time. We were both aware of each other's past traumas where I was reminded I was only good for being used and abused and I used anything that would make him mad against him. Things that never made me mad in the beginning turned into ammo such as him having kids before me. I didn't have much on him that he didn't have on me so I dug and tried to use anything against him. It got to the point where I didn't know how to communicate, I just told him how much I hated him every day and how I didn't want to be together in hopes we could just go our separate ways. When I say I had so much hate built up in me, I hoped for anything to be able to get away. Until the time I sat down and calmly asked for a divorce due to his infidelity that it led to a whole new level of physical abuse I never expected to see from him. I knew I had no choice and it was just a matter of timing to being able to leave and never look back.

But that's all a story for another day...

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